Killing me softly

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Hi all,

Hoping you’re well wherever you are!

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I’d like to believe I’m a very private person, with only a certain few having access to me & my thoughts. Of course, in goodness, others try to break through the high walls I’ve created around me, but I’m a tough cookie. Off late, I may have cut off from people even more. Sure I’m aware that speaking, opening up to people helps make one feel lighter, but I feel it’s temporary. Cuz honestly, others may listen, offer advice, but no one can really do anything more than that. What’s the point then?! I’d rather keep it all to myself, if I’m the only one who can do something about it, right?

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Insomnia must be what it is I’m going through, but I’m no therapist. I was beginning to get used to it, having difficulty falling asleep at night, the overthinking doesn’t help either, but I was beginning to accept and deal with it. However now there’s this new pattern! I could be deep in slumber but a random thought, sound, imagination or memory is enough to break this sleep! I’m not talking about dreams (or nightmares). And this tends to happen early morning, a little before sunrise. Worse when it is accompanied by this slow but steadily arriving headache. It’s even more frustrating as you’re up and awake, your mind’s happily building on those unnecessary thoughts, and you’re consciously forcing yourself to stop thinking & fall asleep cuz you’ve got to get to work in literally a couple of hours! Anxiety could be the cause of it, I don’t know. But tossing and turning every night (and now mornings too) with this extremely uncomfortable feeling in your body, blood is unexplainably painful.

I don’t know why I’ve written this, maybe this is a terrible post, maybe it’s different from my regular writing, I honestly don’t know. But maybe this is my way of opening up, not to a particular friend, or to a particular family member. Maybe this is my way of expressing it and releasing it, maybe this will help feel lighter and maybe with this, sleeping peacefully may actually be a reality.

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Here’s to me opening up to my own issues. Here’s to me accepting my flaws & imperfection. I’ve never tried to impress anyway, and with this I’m all the more re-emphasizing that I’ll deal with whatever it is myself, my way.

If you’ve actually read through, thank you!

Stay happy, healthy & blessed wherever you are.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer

Franchua D’Souza

To laugh & cry, to live & die

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Hello all,

Pretty sure things haven’t improved much since my last blog post, but hoping you and your families are doing well.

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Off late, I’ve been having a tough time sleeping well at night. I mean, look, it’s 1:45am (again!) and I’m typing this. Even after the exhaustive work from home schedule and an overthinker’s mind, I end up turning and twisting and struggling to fall asleep. Don’t suggest the ol’ counting sheep tactic.. It failed too.

There’s a lot of questions, a lot of queries, just a lot of stuff happening in my mind. And about 2 days back I decided I’ll not speak about them. Won’t talk about things that bother me or disturb me, won’t even discuss with friends, not with family either. I understand that not everyone can empathise and that’s okay.

Moving on, The one thing that comes naturally to everyone I guess is judgement. Very consciously over the past 2 years, I’ve learnt or rather I’m still learning how to not judge someone, maybe because I’ve been judged so much myself.

While it’s very easy to classify someone based on their looks, clothes, their topics of discussion, their partner choices, their communication skills, their religious beliefs, their deep and dark personality etc, you will never truly know everything about a person, right? Like, How about these:

– You will never know how much pain & struggle a person has been through or has endured.

– How much of love, sacrifice or hardwork a person has put in to achieve something

– Their Silent tears and prayers

– Their fights with friends, family or anyone they needed to prove a point to.

– The countless number of times they’ve mentally given up

– The amount of pressure they put on themselves to make things right.

– The times they were breaking inside, yet pulled off a smile.

And so many more..

I hope we all realise life is not easy for anyone. We all have our own privileges and our own challenges. Instead of adding to someone else’s woes, focus on building yourself and others around you. You and I are no one to judge. If you can’t help others, it’s fine. Just do your bit positively and move along. I’m certain if we all try, the world will be a much better place.

On that note, I’ll start my anxiety filled “trying to sleep” routine.. Stay safe, healthy & blessed wherever you are. Thank you for reading.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer

Franchua D’Souza

I will survive

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Hi all,

It’s been a long long time that I’ve drafted a blog post. Let alone a blog post, even a simple note actually.

Firstly, I really hope & pray all of you, your loved ones and your countries are doing okay. This phase is no less than a war, right?

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It’s 2:10am here in India as I draft this. It’s been a few days since I’ve noticed a change in my sleep pattern. I’ve been working from home for about 3 weeks now and I’m sure most of you will agree working from home is even more exhausting! Yet, my eyes are wide open at this hour. My mind wanders, and if I’ve not made it obvious enough, I am an over thinker. My mind wanders about work, society, family, love, life, people, the pandemic, so many things. And most of these things don’t have a standard way that needs to be followed to get awesome results.

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I’m certain this Pandemic has brought about and continues to bring about drastic changes in our lives. To me, it feels like the Universe has unleashed itself on us, it’s done with our misbehaviour and wants to teach us a big lesson. Speaking of lessons, I’ve realised fortunately or unfortunately I’ve learnt some of these lessons before the pandemic. Pointing out some of them.

1) You may try all you want for something to happen or not. You may work hard, you may put your ego behind, you may sacrifice, you may pray, you may do the right thing. But there’s only so much in your control. The rest you leave upto the Divine powers.

2) No matter how sensible / logical / right something may seem, be prepared for people to disagree oppose your school of thought. What’s rational to you, doesn’t mean it’s rational to them.

3) It’s important to be self dependent. To be strong. To be able to stand up for yourself. Be prepared for a time when loved ones, no matter how much they want to, they may not be able to help you. Or even be there for you. You have to be able to fight for yourself & your beliefs alone.

4) Distancing yourself may be painful, may seem heavy on the heart, may kill a big part of you. But it may help keep someone else happy.

5) Standing up for yourself is one thing. But arguing with a fool to the point where they drag you to their level and beat you at it, is another. Know when to stop.

I know the situation here in India isn’t as bad as other countries. Maybe my thoughts / learnings / feelings may change depending on the situation. But so far, there’s been a lockdown here and I see others cringe with the new changes they need to adapt to, the social distancing/ isolation, not being able to meet friends, suddenly be stuck at home and so on. Thankfully I’m feeling perfectly fine with this novel set up. Sure, work load has increased, deliverables have increased, so maybe it keeps me occupied, but I know I would survive just the same without it too.

Would like to know how you’re coping wherever you are . Are you adapting well? Has this made some irreversible change to the way you look at or value things? Let me know.

Stay home, stay safe all.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer,

Franchua D’Souza.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

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In recent times I’ve come across a number of quotes through social media. Not all are by established or renowned people. I’m anyway not an avid reader or a follower of any philosopher / writer/ poet, but I do understand & like some of Buddha’s teachings. When I think of ‘words of wisdom’ , I think of Buddha immediately. His quotes are simple & easy to understand and can be put to use at any stage of life that one is in. Having said that they’re easy to understand, they’re not that simple to practice day-in and day-out in life. Sigh!

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I’ve made a note of 10 of them that really resonate with me. I think these are applicable irrespective to the time or phase of life that one is in.

1. You only lose what you cling to.

2. In the end only three things matter : how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

3. Before you speak let your words pass through three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

4. Weak people revenge, strong people forgive, intelligent people ignore.

5. Never regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your behaviour says everything about you, and their behavior says enough about them.

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6. Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth

7. Faith and prayer are both invisible  but they make the impossible things possible.

8. Pain is certain, suffering is optional.

9. The root of suffering is attachment.

10. The mind is everything, what you think you become.

Have you come across any other quotes that you relate to? They don’t necessarily need to be by Buddha.. Share in the comments below!

Have a wonderful weekend you all. It’s summer here in India, may we tackle this heat with a cool mind. Namaste!

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer.

Franchua D’Souza

 

 

 

All I ask you, is let me be there

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Hi everyone,

The only thing on my mind right now is Travel. OK, not the only thing. But I really want to go out, explore, meet new people, make travel pals, and see the world. It’s not only about seeing the popular and fancy destinations, but I look forward to the simple and humble ones too. I want to have experiences, I want to tell stories.

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Travel has taught me so much. As I look back, I’ve noticed how I’ve evolved as a traveler, right from chalking out the entire itinerary days in advance, to packing accordingly, to learning to navigate through Google maps (I’m still terrible at this), and to realizing that souvenirs are not meant to be bought like you’re Santa Claus. While planning your stay, Sure, it’s easy to just book the first fancy hotel you see on the list and trust that everything will be perfect in terms of amenities, safety, and service. But that comes with a huge price! If you have the moolah, why not, right? But it’s a different experience altogether researching about the locations you’d be visiting, their distance from your hotel to help you save International travel time, the offers going on etc. I can proudly say that I’ve loved my stay at the luxurious Parisian in Macau and in the same breath admit that I have saved a huge bit by staying at the Atlas, a hostel in Hong Kong on my last day there. The key is planning right. At the Parisian I enjoyed the fancy buffet, some time to myself by the poolside , those fine dining meals, gambled at the 360° Casino and even explored the Venitian property (as the properties are linked internally) with the gandola rides and strutted in and out of those high end luxury shopping stores. The Eiffel Tower within the Parisian property, especially in the evening was an ethereal experience too, completely worth it’s hype. The reasons behind picking a hostel on the other hand was, one to know what it was like to live in a hostel, and two, because as per our itinerary we were to be out & about the entire day and all we needed was a decent place to wash up & rest when we returned late at night. It worked out perfectly. Of course, we checked reviews about safety, service, the staff etc and then finalized on it.

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The Parisian- Macau

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Breakfast like a king

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Cuz tea, why noy?

To me, travelling is much more than a relaxed holiday. It’s more learning & discovering, whether it is about different cultures, different types of societies, food, fashion, languages or anything else. Honestly none of my trips Abroad have ever been with the intention of going easy or relaxing. The only relaxation time is either at the spa or when it’s bed time!

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Beer spa at @SenseofTouch Hongkong!

Just thinking about it, is getting me pepped up. I should be making a list of destinations I would like to visit soon. Hoping it all comes together even sooner! I think I deserve a trip to say the least.
If you love travel , or you’re planning a trip let me know how do you go about it? What kind of a traveler are you? I want to know all about it!

Lots of Love,

The Silent Hummer
Franchua D’Souza

Doing that thing you do

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Hi all,

Hope you’re enjoying this beautiful Christmas season. The year has almost wrapped up & honestly I couldn’t be more thankful for that. I think I’m otherwise a kind person, so when I say 2018 has beaten the shit out of me, you should believe.

Anyway now that I’m glad it’s coming to an end, to keep some distracting thoughts away I started thinking about plans for the coming year. Not resolutions per se, but more like a bucket list. In the past I’ve attempted making a list of things I’d like to accomplish but I’ve somehow put it away after drafting 2-3 points. Maybe I should’ve tried after chugging some chilled beer, well it’s never too late!

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Bucket list for 2019:

– Visit Pondicherry in South India. I’m keen on exploring those French colonies on bicycles and seeing the beautiful Auroville ashram. I will be picky about whom I go with here because honestly I wanted to do a solo trip.

– Take up a new class. There are a couple of things that seem interesting but I need to figure how feasible it really is with my work timings. I’m thinking of contemporary dance, learning a musical instrument, or even attending a bar tending workshop.

– 2018 has damaged my hair (and me) and by the looks of it, it’s beyond repair. I’m thinking maybe Hair spa? Need to do a little research on how this works.

– Here’s a fact that I often use to get away from the marriage topic. I cannot cook. And that’s 100% true, I don’t know how to prepare a single dish from scratch, let alone an entire meal.  No plans of marriage for me, but it certainly wouldn’t harm to learn some easy to cook recipes.

– Commit to a charitable cause. It’s been on my mind for sometime now. I want to spend my time with the old & the lonely, with under privileged kids, with cancer patients. And I do not want it to be a Birthday or a Lenten or a Christmas deed. I want to definitely commit to this. If possible, I request you to add this to your bucket list too.

– A tattoo. For close to 2 years, I’ve pushed the thought away. But maybe the tattoo was destined to happen in 2019. Hint : It will have a musical sign for sure.

– Take mom on a holiday, whether domestic or International doesn’t matter, but a nice pampered vacay is what we need. Look at us from the recent Goa trip!

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– Post a lot more here on the blog

– Maybe get a life!

I’ve tried to keep my bucket list as basic and achievable as possible.  I really don’t care about things like Bungee jumping off a cliff or sky diving or scuba diving or seeing the Eiffel Tower. Maybe at some point I did, but with time these things have changed.

Let me know what do you look forward to in 2019.

Anyway wishing you all a fantastic end to 2018. Be happy, be safe. Travel a lot, read and blog a lot more!

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer

Franchua D’Souza

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

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Hello all,

This is not really a blog post, but just a quick way of reaching out to everyone possible and wishing you and your loved ones – Merry Christmas!

Christmas is so much more meaningful when you are with near & dear ones, when you spend it with people who are a huge part of your life. My personal request to all of you would be that this Christmas, pick up the phone and speak to that one person who at some point in your life meant a lot to you but for whatever reason (or simply with time ) you both have lost touch. Even if one person is reminded / inspired by this post, and is able to restore a relationship, I’d be delighted!

We live in a tough world any which way, let’s add some Christmas cheer to it! The world really needs it.

Stay happy everyone.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer,

Franchua D’Souza