Killing me softly

Hi all,

Hoping you’re well wherever you are!

I’d like to believe I’m a very private person, with only a certain few having access to me & my thoughts. Of course, in goodness, others try to break through the high walls I’ve created around me, but I’m a tough cookie. Off late, I may have cut off from people even more. Sure I’m aware that speaking, opening up to people helps make one feel lighter, but I feel it’s temporary. Cuz honestly, others may listen, offer advice, but no one can really do anything more than that. What’s the point then?! I’d rather keep it all to myself, if I’m the only one who can do something about it, right?

Insomnia must be what it is I’m going through, but I’m no therapist. I was beginning to get used to it, having difficulty falling asleep at night, the overthinking doesn’t help either, but I was beginning to accept and deal with it. However now there’s this new pattern! I could be deep in slumber but a random thought, sound, imagination or memory is enough to break this sleep! I’m not talking about dreams (or nightmares). And this tends to happen early morning, a little before sunrise. Worse when it is accompanied by this slow but steadily arriving headache. It’s even more frustrating as you’re up and awake, your mind’s happily building on those unnecessary thoughts, and you’re consciously forcing yourself to stop thinking & fall asleep cuz you’ve got to get to work in literally a couple of hours! Anxiety could be the cause of it, I don’t know. But tossing and turning every night (and now mornings too) with this extremely uncomfortable feeling in your body, blood is unexplainably painful.

I don’t know why I’ve written this, maybe this is a terrible post, maybe it’s different from my regular writing, I honestly don’t know. But maybe this is my way of opening up, not to a particular friend, or to a particular family member. Maybe this is my way of expressing it and releasing it, maybe this will help feel lighter and maybe with this, sleeping peacefully may actually be a reality.

Here’s to me opening up to my own issues. Here’s to me accepting my flaws & imperfection. I’ve never tried to impress anyway, and with this I’m all the more re-emphasizing that I’ll deal with whatever it is myself, my way.

If you’ve actually read through, thank you!

Stay happy, healthy & blessed wherever you are.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer

Franchua D’Souza

To laugh & cry, to live & die

Hello all,

Pretty sure things haven’t improved much since my last blog post, but hoping you and your families are doing well.

Off late, I’ve been having a tough time sleeping well at night. I mean, look, it’s 1:45am (again!) and I’m typing this. Even after the exhaustive work from home schedule and an overthinker’s mind, I end up turning and twisting and struggling to fall asleep. Don’t suggest the ol’ counting sheep tactic.. It failed too.

There’s a lot of questions, a lot of queries, just a lot of stuff happening in my mind. And about 2 days back I decided I’ll not speak about them. Won’t talk about things that bother me or disturb me, won’t even discuss with friends, not with family either. I understand that not everyone can empathise and that’s okay.

Moving on, The one thing that comes naturally to everyone I guess is judgement. Very consciously over the past 2 years, I’ve learnt or rather I’m still learning how to not judge someone, maybe because I’ve been judged so much myself.

While it’s very easy to classify someone based on their looks, clothes, their topics of discussion, their partner choices, their communication skills, their religious beliefs, their deep and dark personality etc, you will never truly know everything about a person, right? Like, How about these:

– You will never know how much pain & struggle a person has been through or has endured.

– How much of love, sacrifice or hardwork a person has put in to achieve something

– Their Silent tears and prayers

– Their fights with friends, family or anyone they needed to prove a point to.

– The countless number of times they’ve mentally given up

– The amount of pressure they put on themselves to make things right.

– The times they were breaking inside, yet pulled off a smile.

And so many more..

I hope we all realise life is not easy for anyone. We all have our own privileges and our own challenges. Instead of adding to someone else’s woes, focus on building yourself and others around you. You and I are no one to judge. If you can’t help others, it’s fine. Just do your bit positively and move along. I’m certain if we all try, the world will be a much better place.

On that note, I’ll start my anxiety filled “trying to sleep” routine.. Stay safe, healthy & blessed wherever you are. Thank you for reading.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer

Franchua D’Souza

I will survive

Hi all,

It’s been a long long time that I’ve drafted a blog post. Let alone a blog post, even a simple note actually.

Firstly, I really hope & pray all of you, your loved ones and your countries are doing okay. This phase is no less than a war, right?

It’s 2:10am here in India as I draft this. It’s been a few days since I’ve noticed a change in my sleep pattern. I’ve been working from home for about 3 weeks now and I’m sure most of you will agree working from home is even more exhausting! Yet, my eyes are wide open at this hour. My mind wanders, and if I’ve not made it obvious enough, I am an over thinker. My mind wanders about work, society, family, love, life, people, the pandemic, so many things. And most of these things don’t have a standard way that needs to be followed to get awesome results.

I’m certain this Pandemic has brought about and continues to bring about drastic changes in our lives. To me, it feels like the Universe has unleashed itself on us, it’s done with our misbehaviour and wants to teach us a big lesson. Speaking of lessons, I’ve realised fortunately or unfortunately I’ve learnt some of these lessons before the pandemic. Pointing out some of them.

1) You may try all you want for something to happen or not. You may work hard, you may put your ego behind, you may sacrifice, you may pray, you may do the right thing. But there’s only so much in your control. The rest you leave upto the Divine powers.

2) No matter how sensible / logical / right something may seem, be prepared for people to disagree oppose your school of thought. What’s rational to you, doesn’t mean it’s rational to them.

3) It’s important to be self dependent. To be strong. To be able to stand up for yourself. Be prepared for a time when loved ones, no matter how much they want to, they may not be able to help you. Or even be there for you. You have to be able to fight for yourself & your beliefs alone.

4) Distancing yourself may be painful, may seem heavy on the heart, may kill a big part of you. But it may help keep someone else happy.

5) Standing up for yourself is one thing. But arguing with a fool to the point where they drag you to their level and beat you at it, is another. Know when to stop.

I know the situation here in India isn’t as bad as other countries. Maybe my thoughts / learnings / feelings may change depending on the situation. But so far, there’s been a lockdown here and I see others cringe with the new changes they need to adapt to, the social distancing/ isolation, not being able to meet friends, suddenly be stuck at home and so on. Thankfully I’m feeling perfectly fine with this novel set up. Sure, work load has increased, deliverables have increased, so maybe it keeps me occupied, but I know I would survive just the same without it too.

Would like to know how you’re coping wherever you are . Are you adapting well? Has this made some irreversible change to the way you look at or value things? Let me know.

Stay home, stay safe all.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer,

Franchua D’Souza.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

In recent times I’ve come across a number of quotes through social media. Not all are by established or renowned people. I’m anyway not an avid reader or a follower of any philosopher / writer/ poet, but I do understand & like some of Buddha’s teachings. When I think of ‘words of wisdom’ , I think of Buddha immediately. His quotes are simple & easy to understand and can be put to use at any stage of life that one is in. Having said that they’re easy to understand, they’re not that simple to practice day-in and day-out in life. Sigh!

I’ve made a note of 10 of them that really resonate with me. I think these are applicable irrespective to the time or phase of life that one is in.

1. You only lose what you cling to.

2. In the end only three things matter : how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

3. Before you speak let your words pass through three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

4. Weak people revenge, strong people forgive, intelligent people ignore.

5. Never regret being a good person to the wrong people. Your behaviour says everything about you, and their behavior says enough about them.

6. Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth

7. Faith and prayer are both invisible  but they make the impossible things possible.

8. Pain is certain, suffering is optional.

9. The root of suffering is attachment.

10. The mind is everything, what you think you become.

Have you come across any other quotes that you relate to? They don’t necessarily need to be by Buddha.. Share in the comments below!

Have a wonderful weekend you all. It’s summer here in India, may we tackle this heat with a cool mind. Namaste!

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer.

Franchua D’Souza

 

 

 

Seasons in the Sun

When we look at social media today, everything is about the happy and perfect life, isn’t it? About Holidays, weddings and babies. We aren’t used to people actually displaying their real life, their real struggles. Today I’ve decided to share some real thoughts about my own life. #NotAshamed

 

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong to your generation? Like you take things very seriously as compared to others? Like everything around you is moving at lightning speed? Like The music we have today is rubbish? Like Relationships & equations today are really a joke? I always felt I was a little too mature amongst my peers. I don’t have a dramatic story and it has got nothing to do with a rough and difficult childhood, or some traumatic event I went through or anything like that. That’s just the way I’ve been. As a child I didn’t enjoy watching cartoons, I still don’t know anything else besides the names of Tom and Jerry, Scooby doo, Aladdin, Jasmine, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. Don’t even get me started on Harry Potter/ Twilight or the recent Game of Thrones. I never gave into or for that matter even found double meaning jokes funny where people around me laughed their butts off. I always calculated my thoughts, always kept my head on my shoulders and thought I had everything planned out for myself. In fact I even planned at what age I would let myself actually consider a relationship. I had decided that at the age of 28 I’d settle down. I didn’t enjoy the clubbing scene as much as people my age did, honestly I still don’t. I enjoyed English classic music thanks to my parents who introduced me to that genre of music since I was a kid, I enjoyed going to dances where people waltzed and jived the evening away. When it came to romance, I actually enjoyed the attention while being wooed, while being flirted with, rather than putting myself out there directly. Not that I expect it, but even today I find chivalry very impressive.

I wonder if there are people out there who feel the same way. I may have joked about it many a times about how I actually belong to the generation before mine, but I honestly feel like that. I don’t give into latest trends easily whether it was the blackberry phase or now the Iphone phase, Hotstar or Netflix. I know as I’m writing this that I may be judged and will probably be considered the mood dampener among the young and lively ones. Boring too maybe. Not that it makes a difference anyway.

The reason I’m putting this down is not because I want to show or prove something. Not like these are my life’s success theories that have made life special. Today I’m a 28 year old woman, who’s life is far from sorted. Even far from married. Thanks to the personality I have, I struggle a lot more with this fast paced world. Words affect me. Things that people say casually, get imprinted on my mind & memory for the longest time. I easily believe when someone looks me in the eye and says something. I do go on face value. I do not go about befriending every second person for any benefit, but once I do have a connection or a bond with a person, I value it for life! This brings me to discussing things I absolutely fail to understand, like “How do people suddenly cut off from those that mattered to them all along?” , “How do people let go off all the good times, memories, all the love and friendship they shared, and actually treat the other as though dead or as a stranger in life?”, Even lyrics like “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know” astounds me! I can’t seem to fathom how it’s done like a breeze for some.

This week 2-3 people at work pointed out to me that I always have a smile each time they see me, like everything is great. It’s ironic actually as this week has been one of my worst weeks in the recent past. Overall the last one year has been the most exhausting year for me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It’s taught me a lot about myself, about how stubborn I am, how stupid I am, about my strengths & weaknesses, about how much I can and will do for my people if I put my heart to it etc. I know one should never say never but I’ve have actually sworn against a number of things for my own good too, even if that rips my heart apart.

This particular post as well as some of my recent insta posts may appear as though I’m depressed. I’m unsure about “depressed” but it’s true that I’ve been in a very pensive mood for the longest time I’ve known. I’ll try to come up with more vibrant and happy posts next, I assure you. Be patient. If you’re still reading this, I really wish you well. Life is no cake walk I know, I’m certain you have own challenges too, I just hope you choose your battles well and fight them even better.

Until next time,

Yours truly,

The Silent Hummer
Franchua D’Souza

Send me the pillow

I’m unsure if you may agree with me here, but when on a flight, it’s much better to be fast asleep. That way you don’t miss out on your rest hours, plus you feel fresh to go through the day post landing. Of course, I’m talking about those 3+ hours of flying.
Usually, in my case, as soon as the flight takes off and the excitement is done with, my head drops down and my eyes get droopy, in no time I’m fast asleep. This is applicable to a 40 min flight too. My flight routine goes something like this : get seated, wait for take-off, fall asleep, wake up for whatever snack/ meal, fall asleep back (it’s like magic), and wake up just before landing. Perfect.

This time while flying to #HongKong my eyes behaved in a complete different fashion. They just refused to stay shut! This was even more strange considering I had a freaking tiring day at work and got onto this flight at about 1am! It also didn’t help that the seat was really narrow and the tray table was really really small!

The flight from Mumbai to HongKong was about 6 hours or so, and I had no intention of staying up all night through this one. Also, if you read my previous post, you’d know that from the airport I was to head directly to #ngongping360 and was to spend my entire day there. Just couldn’t afford to be sleepy on Day 1 in HongKong, now could I? Honestly as a traveller, I’m 100% against wasting any of my International time. After all of my previous trips Abroad, I assure you my day starts at 7:30am and ends only in the wee hours of the next day. There’s only exploring and so much more exploring to do.

So here I was, wide awake like an owl. The things I did to fall asleep are daft (think Mr Bean). I tried counting sheep, I tried watching some absolutely sad stuff on the screen in front of me, I tried counting the number of people I could see awake, I reclined the seat back and forth, I even called for another blanket to keep me warm and cozy. Somewhere in the midst of all this I reminisced my Singapore trip and wondered if this one would be anything like it. Then I thought of sleeping masks too, but wasn’t ready to ruin my pretty eye shadow like that. I have the super power of ruining things / lives, trust me.

Finally the universe heard me. The angelic air hostess came around serving beverages. 3 glasses of red wine did the trick! One-after-the-other straight! I didn’t even realise when I was in deep slumber. Directly woke up to the Pilot’s announcement just before landing.

What are your flight experiences like? Do you prefer catching up on your sleep too? Or read? Or watch a movie? Or make conversation with that stranger seated next to you? Tell me all of those things you think of while on a flight. I’m really keen to know.

I’ll post more about my trip in the coming weeks. In the meantime, you may find and follow me on Instagram.

See you around.

Warm regards,
The Silent Hummer
Franchua D’Souza

Take it easy

 

Dear Life,

From whatever I’ve known and experienced so far, I’ve been fortunate to have a happy and positive Life with very little to complain about. You have shown me some extra ordinary times, and then you’ve made sure I see them terrible ones too. You’ve made me realize the importance of simple and predominant things like family, education and spirituality; yet your teachings have also carefully taught me how loved ones, text books and faith can fail me. Through personal experiences, you’ve made me cognizant of how powerful the mind and the heart is, but through others you’ve even shown me how sharp and equally powerful the tongue or even a pen can be.

Like many people, in my case too I’ve often complained how the grass has been greener on the other side. Looks, talent, study ranks, income etc, constant comparison with others did bring me down. But with time I’ve accepted that the grass is green where it is watered. Today I feel much more at ease with exactly those same points I cribbed about. Today I know that more than these or the “oh-so-tempting- materialistic things” , it’s virtues like patience, calmness, integrity, and overall humanity that will make me a better person.

I can’t thank you enough for introducing me to some wonderful people along the path, people that live by example, people whom I look up to, people whom I can relate to. On the other hand , you’ve also taken away some of my very own , people who meant the world to me, people whom I called good friends, people who I connected with, thereby making me cherish the people I’m left with even more. You’ve made me believe in the Universe, and believe that whoever is meant to be in my life, will be in it anyway.

Thank you for teaching me in your own unique ways to not be dependent on anyone or anything. For teaching me that life in fact does go on, even after I lose my most precious people/ things. I’m proud of how easily I’ve given up habits I never thought I would. It showed me that with the right amount of determination, I could have strong will power.
I’m so grateful that you’ve made me a person with an extremely high level of tolerance, sometimes it amazes me to think of how composed I was in the most stressful situations. While I’m at it, I need to Thank you for making me passionate about Music, Travel and of course Blogging. They all have this magical calming effect on me. They help divert my mind and give me some amount of strength.

I truly hope as we continue our journey ahead, you continue to be kind to me. Phases get difficult and stressful at times, and there are those days when I feel like nothing good is happening. Take me through it successfully without letting me give up or break down. Lets be as relaxed as possible , and focus on taking it easy.

Yours truly,
Franchua D’Souza

I have a dream

A dream to travel. Travel to countless places, both big and small. In order to start making that dream come true, I started off with my recent trip to Singapore. You must read the gist of it here. In today’s post I’m sharing my trip in detail.

For starters, as much as Singapore seems like a small country, it is not! Even if you argue that it is, it’s definitely not one of those Asian countries that can be covered on a 5 day trip. There’s loads to do and many tourist attractions. I tried covering most of those places on my trip, yet there were a few I missed out on. It was like a fight against time.

Tid bits about tourist attractions visited:

Night safari: If this is your safari debut, it will amaze you. Sitting in that beautiful animal printed tram, you get to look around at the animals that are just a few metres away. For you to understand more about the animal you’re looking at, there is a pre-recorded audio set in the tram to give you an idea and some interesting bits.
Like, did you know Snakes aren’t really sticky and wet? They just appear glossy but are completely dry.

The Night safari is all about the experience. If you’re looking to bring back photos to show your dear ones back home, probably this isn’t meant for you. Flash Photography is strictly prohibited as it scares/annoys the animals. You don’t want to take a chance with them now, do you?

Universal Studios: Having heard quite a bit about the movie based rides here, it was obligatory to visit the USS.
On entering USS, you are transported to another world altogether. It’s difficult not to stop and take pictures as you walk through to the actual rides. Interesting looking little buildings, Workshops, candy stalls, meet and greets with movie characters, street dances, restaurants, chocolates and souvenir shops etc will catch your attention.

 

You need an entire day to explore the USS. The movie based rides are the highlights. Also while you’re at it, might as well visit the Sea Aquarium which is just across the USS.

Sea Aquarium: It’s crazy not to get impressed looking at more than 100,000 underwater animals from 800 species, swimming in 45 million liters of water. Fish lovers, you will want to live here.

If you’re lucky you will get to see the Octopus go through a whole maze. It’s outstanding!

River safari, Singapore zoo: Though they are 2 different attractions, they can be done one after the other.
The Indian Gharial is worth all the attention it gets.
The river safari depends on your luck as sitting on a river cruise you can’t do much but just hope the animals/ birds appear into sight. The amazon quest ride passes through some interesting species that are just at an arm’s distance away.

Singapore zoo is a huge spread. There’s a lot of walking to be done, so it’s best to wear sneakers/ walking shoes. It’s easy to lose your way here and hence remember to carry a map of the zoo.

 

Do not leave the zoo until you spot the Panda (there are 2 of them – Jia Jia & Kai Kai), the Polar bear and the white tiger.

Merlion Park: This isn’t really a park. Coming to Singapore and not seeing and posing with this fish-lion statue is like having an unaccomplished trip. You can spot the mighty Marina Bay sands Hotel, The domes of Gardens by the bay and even the Singapore Flyer from here. All these places look marvelous at nights, they’re well lit up and stand out.

 

China town: In Singapore this is the street you need to visit for souvenirs. The cute buildings, the bright colors everywhere makes this market attractive enough for you to spend some time here. Shopping is an advantage.

Marina Bay Sands: Even if you want, you can’t miss it. This building stands 57 floors tall and it’s infinity pool is a dream! As if the view from the top isn’t enough, imagine swimming like you’re at the edge. It’s quite a high.. pun intended.

The hotel puts up a brilliant light and water show in the evening. It’s approximately a 11 minute show that will have your attention at the water.

Gardens by the bay: Walking into the flower dome, you will be greeted by a thousand plus different flower speicies from all over the world. Nature lovers will want to make this their home.
Besides the Flower dome, the Cloud dome is a surreal experience.

The best time to go to these as well as walk the OCBC skywalk is during the light and sound show in the evenings. Standing amidst the supertrees is unexplained.

Alive Museum: Situated at the Suntec city mall, this museum will bring out the child in you. It’s 3D art is not just to be admired but makes you one with the paintings. It’s meant for people of all ages.

Hoping this list has given you a gist about the places you should visit while at Singapore.

Food in Singapore:

While I loved my fancy meals at The Black Swan, Loof, Me@OUE, Ce La Vie and KPO cafe, for the times I was out and about exploring, I preferred sticking to Mc Donalds/ KFC/ Burger King etc. The local Singaporean food seemed too strong for my taste buds. Although I went with an open mind to try out local delicacies, the use of fish oil in everything changed my mind. 7/11 was like home when there weren’t any of the above fast food joints available.

 

Everything mentioned is from my personal experience and I encourage you to have your own. Do share them with me. Reading anything about Singapore makes me happy and brings back good memories.

Lots of love,

The Silent Hummer,
Franchua D’Souza

 

 

“I am blogging about my dreams and passions for the Club Mahindra#DreamTrails activity at BlogAdda. You can get a Club Mahindra Membership to own your holidays!”

Sweet sweet smile everyday

I’m not in favor of technology booming at this rapid pace, it’s scary to me. However the woman in me completely loves how online shopping has progressed over time, which has saved me loads of time, effort and money. I truly do not even remember the last time I went out shopping for myself.

Online shopping is super convenient now a days, provided you shop from a trusted site. To me one such trusted site is Jabong. I’ve had wonderful experiences with my shopping from Jabong so far, you may even read about it here.

If you follow my blog or even my Instagram account you will realize my current favorite color is Royal blue. The color looks gorgeous whether you’re out with friends, or for a date night, a business meet or even a pool party! I think I’d totally rock a royal blue swimsuit too, if only my tummy would comply. Sigh!

When I ordered this blue La Zoire number from Jabong, I didn’t have a doubt about the quality of the product. I even planned how I would accessorize it just looking at the image online. I was that confident.

 

For someone like me, who loves dancing, it doesn’t take too long to twirl around, as the subtle flare of the dress just makes me want to do exactly that.

I’m totally party ready after adding a touch of bling with those silver shoes, clutch and bracelet. What I’d love now is for someone to just ask me to join them while “Sweet sweet smile everyday” plays in the background.

As uploading too many pictures to this post would make it heavy, I suggest you should follow me on Instagram and Twitter to get a glimpse of all those lovely pictures Nolasco clicked of me.

*This post is in collaboration with Jabong, but the review is completely honest*
For any collaborations, you may contact me at thesilenthummer@gmail.com

Lots Of Love,

The Silent Hummer
Franchua D’Souza

Baby you’re a firework

Ah this Katy Perry song! So motivating I tell you. If you’ve added me on Twitter and Instagram, you must’ve seen the sneak peek of my Diwali outfit.

Happy Diwali

I started hosting Diwali parties for close friends just last year. Bursting crackers and hanging out on my building terrace is great fun. The terrace is breezy, spacious and can accommodate many people, which is perfect for any occasion.
Knowing the well known negatives about crackers, we friends always make sure to never go overboard while enjoying ourselves. We care for people and animals around us, and value our hard earned money. Bombs, rockets and cracker strings are a strict no- no at my parties. Sparklers, Fountains and Chakris are welcome. This is keeping #traditionmyway in mind.

Chakri time

Fountain time

The interesting part about this year’s Diwali party was the dress code to follow. Indo-western fusion was the theme. The easiest way to put this look together would be wear a kurta on jeans or leggings. You’d stick to the theme and be boring at the same time. So after racking my brains and closet for sometime, I decided on a crop top and palazzos look. Where’s the Indian factor you wonder? It’s the crop top I’m talking about. It was my mother’s saree blouse from her younger days much before I was even born. Here take a look now.

My Diwali look- saree blouse and palazzos

Happy Diwali

What you may or may not believe about my look is, the orange saree blouse, the palazzos and the accessories actually belong to my mother. I was super excited getting to wear her stuff, thankfully they’re in great condition. This set has officially become mine now. Will have to ask my sis to buy similar stuff for her from www.jabong.com cuz I love this set too much to share it 🙂

I can’t wait to get my hands on more of these vintage things.

Hope all of you had a great Diwali this year. Please continue to keep your environment clean and safe for people around you. The Silent Hummer wishes you a Very Happy Diwali and a Prosperous New year! Spread the Light.

Also follow me on: Twitter and Instagram ! You’ll see many more updates there.

Photography by: Nolasco Alphonso

Warm greetings to you too

Lots of Love,

The Silent Hummer
Franchua D’Souza